Borrowing Virtue

There has been considerable press over a recent decision by the New Jersey Supreme Court to instruct the state legislature to grant to same-sex unions the same privileges as those granted to couples who are married, but leaving it up to the legislature to determine the legal name of the union. Same-sex proponents, however, claim that if the term does not include the word "marriage", then the proposed civil union will not be equal to those labeled "marriage".

Is it the term "marriage" that bestows virtue, or is there something intrinsically different about a marriage between a man and a woman over all other relationships that gives virtue to the term? Could this be another attempt by the same-sex community to borrow virtue?

Society attempts to borrow virtue all the time. Politicians and terrorists invoke the name of God to give justification to their positions and actions. The term "gay", once originally stood for innocence and sweetness, has been co-opted over the years by society to refer to a particular hedonistic, sexual persuasion, in effect, making the term’s use a parody of its original definition.

Marriage has been under attack by various elements in society for years. Chastity before marriage and fidelity after marriage has been mocked. Love is used as a euphemism for sexual acts. Society has promoted free love, living together, trial marriage, wife swapping, "open" marriages. "Traditional" marriage is often mocked by referring to television show depictions (Ozzie and Harriet). Even the term "traditional marriage" seems to imply that there is something new, better or modern just around the corner.

Marriage is more than attraction or affection. Marriage is more than a sexual relationship. Marriage is more than cohabitation. Marriage is more than a commitment or legal agreement. Marriage is more than a civil or religious ceremony. Marriage is more than creating life or nurturing children. Marriage is more than a synergistic relationship between two people.

The difference with marriage over all other relationships is that it includes all of the above in combination with the diverse nature of both sides of the human essence - man and woman. And yet, there is still more than all of this – it is the potential for growth and change within each. It is not mere synergy, but synergistic growth - a growth that is only possible with the differences between man and woman.

Some of us realize that marriage between a man and a woman with God is the preeminent relationship, one of eternal significance.

Marriage can be extraordinarily difficult and challenging, and when it fails, heart wrenching and painful. On the other hand, success in marriage exceeds the success that can be achieved through any other human endeavor.

Some may say that this is an ideal that doesn’t exist. There are lots of ideals - kindness, honesty, forgiveness, integrity, chastity, fidelity, civil society, rule of law, democracy. What we discover is that the closer we come to the ideal, the more we understand its virtue. Even when our circumstance falls short, often through no fault of ourselves, when we turn towards the virtue, teach and promote it, that virtue will fill us with joy as are heart changes in understanding.

I have been blessed with 25 years (this coming Monday) of marriage with an extraordinary, wonderful woman, who continues to help me get closer to the ideal.

You can’t borrow virtue; you can only participate in it.

Happy anniversary, Alice-Ann!